Saturday, December 28, 2013

a new year all together... i can see it now

medicals are all done, with the exception of one x-ray which will be done on monday. embassy appointment and visa to follow. we aren't sure if they will fly home tuesday or wednesday morning, but right now it looks like they will be home no later than january 1st! what a wonderful way to start our new year, all together as a family... i cannot wait until we are together at last! no more being separated again, something that is very necessary for our family. hoping that flights are not crazy expensive. last year it cost us $8000 to get home with the girls (yeah that still stings) so fingers crossed that new year's flights are in our favor!

and just because our son is so dang cute... check him out (daddy took him to the circus):

Friday, December 20, 2013

bringing our son home SOON!

well sweet little wilson is everything i thought he would be, and more! he is happy, such a happy boy. my heart felt peace as soon as i saw him, and any fears i had about his orphanage environment drifted away. i can see a sparkle in his eyes, and happiness in his soul. he is a singer and a dancer! oh how he loves to dance. he is very active and high energy, and will fit right in with our sweet kids at home. he is smart, and very clever. he loves to play games and he learns very quickly.

one thing that took me by surprise... he is tiny! so small. i knew he was thin, but he is really a very small little boy. i certainly have had to do some additional shopping as i was way off on sizes! i look forward to watching our sweet boy grow and blossom before our eyes.

all of our children at home are so excited for their brother to join us. daddy leaves tomorrow to finish everything up and bring him home... they won't be home by christmas, but that's ok. we have many more christmases to come, and we will certainly be celebrating when we are all together once and for all.

there is something special about bringing home your last child... what a sweet homecoming it will be!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

tonight's the night...

...i'm gonna do all those things i have to do before we leave! finish our photo books, finish packing, finish schedules for grandma, make little necklaces of me and the girls so they can hold me close while i'm gone. 

i absolutely need to do all these things, and i'm putting it out here to hold myself accountable for getting it done. i've been so busy with work lately that by the time i finish doing all the things i need to do for work, i'm exhausted and just fall into bed. i'm excited to be leaving soon, but i'm going to miss all of my children staying home. to my local friends and family, please surround my children with love and kindness while i'm gone. check in on them, don't tell them they are strong because they don't need that pressure... just let them know you're thinking of them. if you want to bring them a treat or ask grandma if she needs help, that's cool too. please don't forget my big kids. they are responsible, kind, helpful, and loving, but they need comfort and love too. we are so very thankful to everyone who is loving us and helping in so many ways.

we have a couple more days before we are off to see the little boy that stole our hearts. if you see me between now and then, tell me to finish everything i need to get done... really, sometimes i need an extra push!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

thank you!!

we held a small auction fundraiser to try and raise some travel funds... check out our thermometer! we cannot believe that we are so close to our goal! we just have a little bit further until we reach our goal, and that feels amazing. thank you so very much to everyone who donated items to our auction, bid on our items, made donations, and gave us such encouraging words. we are so appreciative of the love and support we have received. 

just last night i was thinking about how we have met some wonderful people on this journey to bring our son home. i have met people from all over who hold our family close and surround us with love. the longer i live this life, the more i realize how very special, and essential, this is to my soul. thank you, villagers, new and old... you are appreciated!

Friday, November 15, 2013

inching closer...

...to the date we leave to meet wilson. feeling anxious and excited and nervous all at once. i was thinking about how often i dream of his sweet face and i cannot wait to actually see him in person and commit every little feature to memory. i know it may sound crazy to think about how much you can love a child you haven't actually met yet, but i think that's just part of the beauty of our human existence. i still look at my children, all of them, and i can remember all my thoughts of what they would be like as babies/toddlers/kids either before they were born (if i gave birth to them myself), or as i waited to meet them (if all i had was a photo to stare at for hours and hours). 

i look at them now and see the memories; their faces have changed, their bodies have filled out, and their ages are older, but i smile to myself. i smile because i was right that brother K would be easy, calm, and a warrior. i laugh because i was right that sister K would keep me on my toes and be everything i wasn't, and somehow we would still be close and enjoy each other, maybe for the very traits we lack in ourselves. i smile because i was right that brother C would be unique and strong, close and independent all at once. i catch my breath when i think of sister L, because though she came as a surprise, she is one of the most amazing and breathtaking joys that i ever could have expected. i smile because i was right that sister M is a treasure, one that others could not see, and she is strong and lovable, and loving despite all odds. i laugh again because i was oh so right that sister N is big and loud and fun and fiesty.

i was right about so much, and of course there are unexpected things i never would have guessed, but through it all, these children, their features, their quirks, their lovable selves are forever embedded in my heart and soul and memory. and so what do i think of wilson? well, i think he's a little bit quiet and has a great sense of humor. i think he's a rough and tumble little boy who is eager to learn and full of great ideas. i think he's someone special, someone i love, someone i want to hold close and make it known that he is full of promise and surprises.

as we prepare to bring our last child home, i feel blessed to have family and friends that lend a helping hand. whether you are helping with our children while we travel, joining our auction to raise some funds, donating to our fsp, wishing us well, or taking care of our hearts through our journey, we are thankful and so appreciative. 

this is the last weekend of our auction. we have adorable kid clothes, awesome kid shoes, uganda treasures, and fun wall decals. if you are interested in bidding on some items and helping us raise a few travel funds, please go here and join our auction page: join our auction to bring wilson home

if you'd like to make a tax deductible donation to our fsp fund that will help us with travel funds, please go here: donate to help bring wilson home
seriously, it sounds cliche, but every dollar does help. we have some family members that love to get us gifts, and we are so happy to receive an fsp donation for a gift. we are grateful to everyone that has donated to us already, and so thankful for any help we receive, even if it's a $1 donation. we would love to tell our sweet boy how many people helped bring him home.

if you'd like to help give our children staying home while we travel some love, whether you take them out for a walk to the park, share some treats together, or help provide transportation to dance lessons, please contact me. we are always grateful for help in this area. our children at home will have a difficult time without us, and it would be a huge gift to have help with loving them and showing them kindness while we are away.

it takes a village to raise a child they say. we say it takes a village to raise a family. i know we couldn't do this alone, without the support of our friends and family and community, we wouldn't be able to be the parents, the family, the friends that we strive to be. thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and loving to us along the way.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

fundraising and support

we have less than two weeks before we leave! we are fundraising with a small auction on facebook. you can go here and request to be added: bring wilson home fundraiser auction

we have lots of kid stuff, some beautiful items from uganda and some really neat wall art decals, as well as a few other things.

if you would like to donate to our fsp fund to help bring wilson home, you can make a tax deductible donation here: donate to help bring wilson home 

any amount helps, no matter how small or big and we are so grateful for everyone who has supported us on our journey.

anyone local who is willing to help daniel's mother with a few things related to our children at home while we are gone, please email me or call me, we would all be so appreciative of help in this way.

thank you to our village for the love and support as we prepare to bring our last child home!

 

less than 2 weeks...

today marks less than 2 weeks until we leave to go meet wilson! i am beyond excited. i need to pack and i need to finish our photo books. i need to prep some things at home for grandma, and line up a few more resources to help with the children at home. i am trusting it will all work out. deep breaths. this is what a very good friend tells me. i suppose she's right. she's visiting her little boy right now and is sort of a fly by the seat of her pants mom like me sometimes so i'm going to take her word on this one. i'm anxious about leaving our children at home, but so excited to meet wilson and see that sweet little face in person for the first time.

feeling thankful that we have daniel's mother who will come stay with our children and take on the task of helping our kids feel safe and loved while we are gone. feeling extremely blessed that we have two of the kindest, most responsible and loving teenagers that were ever born. whatever karma stores i built up, i've been repaid multiple times over with brother K and sister K. i know that they will provide so much comfort and stability for the three youngest children who are going to miss us terribly. it's going to be hard for all of us to be apart, but at the end of it, welcoming our last child into the family will be worth it. and then our ordinary life goes on, and i long for the ordinary... the jumping in puddles, running to the park, dancing before dinner, racing to get homework done at the last minute, looking for any excuse to play in water, games all over the place kind of ordinary life. we'll have one more little boy to love and any future trips will be all together. that day is coming soon!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

i can't believe my eyes...

it's really true... we have a date! our appointment is november 25th! we are excited beyond words. we are going to meet our sweet little wilson and my heart is so happy!

Thursday, October 31, 2013

good things come to those who wait

it's hard to wait. so very hard. i am filled with a desire to run to sweet wilson and let him know how very loved he is. i want to scoop him up and twirl around until we are both too dizzy to keep going and collapse on the floor laughing. unless he gets motion sickness, in which case i will skip all that and go straight to playing with cars and coloring and trying to get to know this little boy whose one photo i have stared at seemingly a million times. the longer we wait, the harder it is. and i know he has waited longer. i imagine how hard it is for him, that's the most difficult part of it all. i long to give this child a family, a home, and surround him with love and acceptance. i don't require perfection, acceptance or even love in return. i was thinking about this last night actually, as i reflected on our three youngest daughters. it is very clear that two of our youngest children know how to love, and are open to giving and receiving love and family. it comes more easily to them, than it does for one of our young daughters. and that's ok because i look at each of them individually, and i meet them where they are. i think that is the key to unconditional love. staying away from comparisons and loving each child as the unique spirit they are. every day i strive to be a better person and i can see huge growth and progress in each of us, including myself. i'm a better mom today than i was yesterday. my children are at various stages, and i adore them all. it doesn't matter who does their homework first, who remembers to do something without being asked, who comes running and wraps their arms around me first when i walk in the door. each night i enjoy time with my children individually and i focus on them alone. it reminds me to love each stage and each spirit. so dear sweet wilson, i love you already just as you are, and i cannot wait to meet you! 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

fall and falling...

i love fall... it's my favorite time of year. i love the smell of october and the way the leaves crunch under my feet. i love sunshine warming me on a crisp and otherwise cool day. i love the beautiful leaves as they change from greens to bright oranges, reds and yellows. everything looks so pretty and inviting to my senses. i wish i could share my favorite time of year with sweet wilson. how i long to bring him home and have him join in our park adventures, carving pumpkin messiness and have him help me bake sweet treats on a cold day. i realized something else the past few days, and that is i am falling in love with the idea of sweet wilson. when you only have a photo and just a few pieces of information, it's easy to let your imagination run wild. i have no idea how close my dreams are to reality. i don't know if wilson is happy and ready for a family to call his own. i know that no matter how he feels, happy or scared, excited or anxious, i have enough love to hold him and help him through it. not too long ago i thought i would be preparing to travel and meet wilson for the first time soon. today i'm not sure when i'm traveling, but i am ready. i am anxious myself to meet the sweet little love that stole my heart and made me think of our ever expanding family as not quite complete yet. 

sweet wilson,
i can't wait to meet you. we long for the day we get to look into your eyes and say "i love you". you are in my every thought, my dreams and my heart.
xoxoxox

Thursday, September 26, 2013

getting closer...things to do

must make photo book... think about packing (light)... teach grandparents how to use skype on my computer... getting excited. and a little nervous to leave most of the children at home. but mostly excited to meet our sweet wilson.

i'm continuing to practice being patient, though it's definitely not a strength of mine. i am lucky though that i have 6 children to keep me busy! it's hard to miss a child you love with all your heart, though you haven't even met him yet, but i do know it will happen soon and i am filling my time with fun activities with the kids. i am ready, so ready to meet you, wilson!

Monday, September 23, 2013

dance troupe african dancing

tonight we took sister L to an african dance troupe workshop where she learned traditional african dancing. she is going to try out for the dance troupe in october so we thought this would be a great opportunity for her to get comfortable with the dancing and instructors, and just simply being around other kids and people she doesn't know. those things are still so hard sometimes. 

she was fairly uncertain at first, but once things got going, i saw a fire in her eyes! she was grinning ear to ear, and trying her best. they moved fast, so fast, and a few times she was totally confused, but dancing is in her blood and her body knows how to move with confidence and grace. i had the time of my life. sister N and sister M were dancing with me on the side. the drums were beating so loudly that i got lost and thought i was back in uganda. i felt like i was home, surrounded by family. the drumming and dancing was powerful, and i felt myself come alive from somewhere deep inside. i almost cried at one point, watching sister L feel at home and i know that if she can get into this dance troupe, it's going to do something for her that i cannot. she needs to be surrounded by this community family and keep this very important connection in her life. i don't know what the criteria for getting accepted into the troupe is. sister L was definitely one of the younger participants in the workshop. i feel nervous and excited, but i'm doing my best to play it cool. whatever happens, we will maintain our support of this troupe and find more ways to be involved and grow our family with positive influences and love, while also seeking out ties to africa, and uganda. 

this is what happens when you adopt, suddenly your family expands... and not just with the children you adopt, but with remaining birth family members, friends in birth countries, and the friends we make here at home as we seek out support for our children. on the ride home from the workshop, i thought about wilson. what will we do for him, for his ties to his birth country? how much more will our family grow? we are lucky to have met some wonderful people adopting the same time we are and we will continue to seek to grow our family here as we support wilson and surround him with love. how lucky we are indeed to grow our family in such a beautiful way.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

another child ready for school

today we took sister M to visit her kindergarten teacher... she was shy but oh so curious.

i caught myself thinking about what a wonderful teacher the kindergarten teacher is, how thankful i am that sister M gets to start her school career here, and i felt a small sense of loss for wilson. he will likely start first grade after coming home and i know what a struggle that was for sister L. every child should be able to transition to school with kindergarten. of course you can work out half days or some other schedule, but kindergarten should be a rite of passage for all children. it is the perfect mix of new things, fun things, learning and playing, all designed to prepare children for the long days of school that lie ahead without the actual stress of a full day. we cannot get wilson home fast enough... we love you sweet boy.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

waiting waiting waiting

well dossier is off... i did take a few deep breaths before we mailed it. i did close my eyes and have a little trouble letting go of it when i handed it to daniel to mail it. please please please arrive safely and quickly! and now we wait and wait and wait until we hear that we have been officially submitted. though i know this is a much smaller wait than the next waiting period, it still feels big. we are hoping that all of our checks and double checks mean there are no last minute surprises in the way of changes or additional paperwork. i must have went over the checklist at least ten times and color coded each time with a different marker. we're ready for our son, and we will be so excited to hear those words "you have been submitted"! deep breaths and a wish for patience.

Friday, August 23, 2013

best.husband.ever.

who drives to salem multiple times same week so we can get our dossier off?! this guy:

Sunday, August 18, 2013

things i’ve learned being a mother of six children

-- i can always survive on less money than i’m used to.

-- having a teenage driver in the house can save your life and improve your mood greatly.

-- i never get as many showers as i’d like, though i’d like to think i get as many as i need. i’m lying to you right now. i definitely don’t get as many as i need. if you know me in real life, you pr...obably know this to be true. if you love me, you hug me anyway. if you’re my husband, you lick my filthy foot just to prove me wrong and don’t think that wasn’t duly noted… indeed it was.

-- i’m fairly certain i’m getting my money’s worth on health insurance benefits.

-- forget closet space, i need some magic shoe storage solution for the overflowing abundance of shoes that pile up in front of the door, daring our guests to a climbing challenge before they even enter our humble abode.

-- spinach goes in everything.

-- come september i am birthdayed out. is that a word? yes it is, i just made it up. between baking, planning and celebrating, i am exhausted and cringe at the very idea of another birthday. i ponder what this means for my seventh child on the way, who has a november birthday, and i know without a doubt i’ll find room for one last celebration.

-- a 15 minute phone call to my best friend can solve 90% of my problems.

-- running keeps me sane.

-- it’s not the end of the world if my children's clothes don’t match. striped shirts and plaid shorts with polka dotted socks can be overlooked (though at first it may take some serious effort), but please i beg of you, do not give my children any clothes with characters on them as they will probably disappear.

-- online bill pay is my favorite invention of all time.

-- i can narrate a riveting story of an event from two weeks ago with intricate details, while being interrupted fourteen times, stopping to wipe a bottom twice, washing my hands four times, getting three different snacks for five different kids, wiping tears and cleaning up a scraped knee, counting to two because i never have to make it to three, and never skip a beat. i hope you can keep up.

--i know enough about minecraft, magic the gathering, d&d, naruto, and pbs programs to get by.

-- my desk is always messy, and it laughs as i try to find my lost keys for the third time each week. my sewing machine sits out unloved for over a week because i know the second i put it away i’ll just have to drag it out and finally finish those pants. half-finished books will eventually get done when they taunt me enough. and yes, i assign personalities to my projects until completed. don’t judge… it’s how i get it all done.

-- reading your favorite childhood books to your kids does something strange to your heart… i think it’s related to love.

-- using the same cup all day is a necessity.

-- kids never get tired of hearing you sing the same song every single night. and just when you think you might want to switch it up a bit, you discover you can sing on autopilot and before you know it you’ve made it through the entire song without realizing it. isn’t the brain an amazing thing?

-- it’s true… spray paint gives new life to all sorts of things!

-- bedtime is for suckers. and small kids.

Friday, August 16, 2013

working hard

working so hard to get everything completed and finished so i can breathe a little easier. this paperwork is significantly more difficult than the paperwork for our previous adoptions, and we don't want wilson to wait any longer than necessary. we are so close to having all of the paperwork done. we aren't close enough with funds for this adoption, but i cannot even think of that right now. i'm simply trying to get through all the paperwork first and then i will try to tackle a fundraiser idea.

Monday, July 22, 2013

“Time for some thrilling heroics."

daddy is the unsung hero in our house. he can turn a moonlit bike ride up and down our street into the most rousing adventure, complete with gold coins tumbling through pockets cut on the sly, war ammo rocketing every which way, and portals that open up out of nowhere, all for the sake of hatching dastardly plans with one little boy. he also reveals a pretty slick trick silencing the ever freaky, panic inducing bicycle bell with none other than the mysterious one glove that showed up on his handlebar sometime in the night with nary a trace of its rightful owner. in the midst of it all, i glide up and down the street smiling, thankful to be a part of this moment. i feel the most profound joy, stained with sadness, as i marvel at the magical connection between boys and fathers and long for another little boy to come home. 

i saw this the other day and laughed:  “The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for.” i laughed, but then i thought it’s probably true, and i will try to remember it. waiting is indeed so hard for me, the worst part by far. but the flip side to that must surely be the little boy who also waits… and sweet boy, you are definitely one of the best parts of my life.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

still here...

i know, it's been too long. we are still here. we are still waiting for our little boy. we are still moving forward, though sometimes it seems like the paper chase is forever. we finally got our homestudy in the mail and USCIS confirmation of our file. hopefully our fingerprinting appointment won't be too far out. i'm getting excited. we are ready. for awhile i was worried about work, but things are lining up in such a way that no matter when we get approval to travel, whether it is september-ish or november-ish, it will all work out great. thankful for that small piece to be easy. hoping to get brother c's passport in the mail soon. i'm having dreams of exploring another country with both boys and it makes my heart happy.

if you've had a baby, or adopted before, you know that stage you get to where you want to start buying things for your child. he has a bed, and he has clothes in drawers. i've talked to our doctor and we've thought about all the appointments and things we will need to do when he gets home to get him feeling better and stable. we have plans and specialist contacts. but lately i'm starting to think about the things that always come last in my mind... after all the big things, the necessary things, the medical things. things like bicycles and books, trains and special blankets. things like his own little alligator boots, and cars to race around the floor. this little boy, he already has a big piece of my heart, and i can't wait to hold him in my arms. so i'm still here, but when i'm not busy with six kids in the middle of summertime fun, i'm probably lost in a daydream about a sweet little boy.

Monday, May 20, 2013

and so it goes

mother’s day came, it snuck up on me ever so sweetly, and it lingered long enough for me to cuddle my lovely children. i pondered my life and past mother’s days long gone. i spent moments loving the mothers and grandmothers i am forever linked with. i felt grateful and amazed at what my life has become. i felt sorrow for the losses we carry; some for ourselves, some for our family and some for our children. my thoughts drifted to wilson, wondering how he’s doing and wishing he was feeling the love of a mother every day of his life. and then just like that, it was gone. this mother’s day left and my heart remains full of paradoxical emotions; joy and sorrow, satisfaction and longing, love and heartache.

i discovered something new about myself this year, and that is this: my heart can hold it all. i no longer feel compelled to banish the hard stuff. life is full of hard stuff, and all of it has a place and a purpose. my desire to ignore, repel and send the difficult feelings into oblivion are deeply rooted in my childhood and the care i received from people who, while they were well intentioned, just didn’t know what they were doing. it really is as simple as that. i’m very mindful with the lessons i teach my own children, as well as any children that spend time with our family. this has always been important to me, and i’ve discovered the driving force behind it was created within myself, many many years ago… the heart knows what it’s missing. i take extra care with the hearts i hold close, and when you do that you have to have room for the hard stuff.

i knew the wait would be difficult for me, and indeed this has rung true again. the wait is incredibly hard once your heart has expanded to hold another child. i suspect it’s never easy to wait for a life to join yours, no matter how it happens. there is no fooling myself on this one, so i will just hold that in my heart, along with images of a little boy who is waiting too.

"Those are the same stars, and that is the same moon, that look down upon your brothers and sisters, and which they see as they look up to them, though they are ever so far away from us, and each other." - Sojourner Truth

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

life

a friend of mine posted this on his facebook wall:

"There is no passion to be found playing small in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” - Nelson Mandela

this resonated with me and it's been in my mind the past few days. i discovered that it's been in my heart for so much longer. this is exactly how i feel. life is meant to be lived big. for some people that means fame, fortune, admiration, etc. for me it simply means giving myself to my passions and creating a life, a family all my own. 

i remember a few years ago feeling that my life was a fraud. that every day i went to work, i was inferior to those around me and one day i would wake up and everyone would discover i was a fraud and take away everything i'd been given. for those that know me, there is a disconnect here because i have worked so hard for everything i have in life. whether it is my education, my job, or my relationships, i have worked so very hard. but yet i couldn't shake this feeling. imagine my surprise when doing studies on women in the technical workplace and discovering that so many women felt the same way i did, specifically i even saw the "fraud" discussion being raised. i was blown away. blown away. this is apparently a typical feeling for technical women in the workplace, to feel less than. what a rip off really... to work so hard in school and land a great job, only to feel inferior nearly every day of your working career. or at least, that was true for me for so long. so very long.

so do i still feel that way? sort of. not as much. what changed? i started looking at my life. the truth is i fell into engineering. as funny as that sounds, it's honest. i'm just good at math and such. i love math. adore it. it's my first love really. my dream job would be to be a college math professor, but alas, i don't think it's in the cards. i guess you never know. never say never. but i just found myself good at technical things. i don't have a passion for them though, and that's the problem. i think when you lack passion, you doubt yourself. small seeds can grow so very large over the course of 17 years. the next thing you know, you've got this huge tree towering over you, shading such a large area that the light that tries to shine through is obscured... sure it makes it in, but it's not glorious and overwhelming. i really want glorious and overwhelming, if i'm honest. and i pride myself on my honesty so there you have it. i started thinking about what i do have a passion for. oh that's not as easy as it sounds. so many things. so little time. but when i look at all the things i have passion for, it comes back to family, children and helping others.

i love my family, and it's no secret that i come from a broken home. so broken i'm not sure how me and my brothers survived sometimes, but that's the irony of it all... we did. we ended up on different paths and it seems maybe our paths are criss-crossing over time and maybe i'll be able to weave them a little closer in time. i adore my children, they have made me, well, me. not too long ago, when we were adopting our girls, i wrote about parenthood and i decided i'd update it now that the girls are home:

parenthood has always been one of life’s greatest blessings for me. i have six of the most amazing children, all of whom i adore. they are each unique and hold special keys to my heart, inhabiting spaces where only they fit. i absolutely believe they’ve contributed enormously to the person i am today, carving away some of my rough spots and smoothing me out to tread more lightly upon the world. brother K has taught me that i am strong and capable of moving mountains when necessary; i had no idea. sister K has taught me to pause and take a deep breath and look at things from a different perspective; i’m getting pretty good at that. C has taught me to be inventive and act quickly on my feet; indeed i am quite clever after all this practice. L has taught me the resilience and beauty that one tiny human being can possess; she makes me re-examine my own limitations. M has taught me it's never too late for love and life and growing and becoming all that we can be, no matter how hard the road to here has been; i see this reflected back from my childhood to now and it's powerful. N has taught me that no matter the age, our struggles cannot be forgotten nor brushed aside; instead we must acknowledge them, grieve them and set them free. and with everything i have learned, i find that i still have incredible amounts of energy that appears to regenerate with each new day. i am eager to bring another child into our family, for i am positive i continue to have so much to give, and so much learn.

i want to live my life big. i don't want to settle for a life less than i'm capable of living.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

sunny sunday

it was a beautiful day today... warm, windy, full of playtime, water, good food, some family visiting. sitting outside for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and most times in between. we sat on the grass for dinner tonight, like a picnic in our own backyard. it was nice to go around and give our highs, lows and funnies of our days while we were outside. we started doing our highs, lows and funnies about 5 years ago with the kids and haven't looked back since. it's the best part of dinner. the girls didn't understand the concept for the first few months they were home, but now they totally get it and can't wait until it's their turn. C remains ever adamant that he will go last. the neat thing about having a large family is that you get to watch everyone take an interest in each other, be supportive, and share moments that might otherwise go unshared. i love watching our children learn from each other, and dinnertime has become one of the things i most look forward to. the other thing i notice is that by the time you get done with everyone's days, dinner is nearly over. we definitely have room for one more, in fact, one more kiddo's daily review and i think we'll be set.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

i'm buried...

...in the seemingly never ending paperwork. so many forms to notarize! send me good thoughts, so that i can focus and complete everything that needs to be done quickly!

Friday, May 3, 2013

dear wilson

dear wilson,
we looked through a telescope tonight and saw saturn and saturn's rings. it was so cool, and i wished you were here to see it. i want you to see all sorts of things you never have before. i want to learn what excites you, and take trips and jump into all sorts of fun adventures together. we're going to the beach tomorrow. i wish you were going too. i want to take you into the ocean and watch you chase the waves. i want to stroll down the sidewalks of our favorite beach city and eat shaved ice while we watch with amazement the guy on the corner who is playing five instruments at once. it seems a shame every weekend that comes and we're heading out together having fun times and i don't even know if you know we are waiting for you yet.

my heart longs to know you've heard the news. it might be scary. it might be exciting. it's probably both. i totally get that. it's totally ok.

i am thinking of you tonight, missing you, loving you. we are working hard to bring you home as soon as we can.

xoxoxox

Thursday, May 2, 2013

love

i'm having visions of wilson at home. i walk past the boys' room and i can't help but think of him hanging out with C playing cars or beyblades, or learning how to play magic. i wonder who he plays with in the orphanage, if he has a best friend. when i'm playing outside with the girls, i picture him joining in our chasing games, or teaming up with C against me in a game of soccer. i wonder if he loves the outdoors like we do, if he even gets a chance to play outside often. while i'm helping C and L with their homework, i picture wilson sitting (standing, flying past me on his heelys to get some yogurt from the fridge) working right alongside his siblings. i think about L walking into school with him, showing him the ropes. i wonder if he'll struggle with school too. i have no idea if he can even read. at nighttime, i miss tucking him in. i wonder how he goes to sleep now. is he afraid of the dark, or does he enjoy the nighttime because all is quiet. we've dealt with three children who came home very afraid of the dark and not wanting to go to sleep. they no longer have sleep issues, they feel safe and secure, they know they are loved. 

i want wilson to feel safe and loved. i want him to come home. it doesn't surprise me i want him home, but i do find it interesting how the heart has such a capacity to grow and stretch and fit everyone in, in huge amounts, no matter how near or far... we are designed for love and connection.

the hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread - mother teresa

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

to tell, or not to tell, that is the question

i've thought a lot about having a child who is HIV+. i've thought about whether we would disclose or not. i think silence hurts. it might be easier, much easier in certain instances, but in the long run it hurts. it adds to the social stigma surrounding HIV+ status and i don't want to be a part of that. i'm not going to be shouting it from the rooftops, but i certainly don't want to make my son feel like he has to hide any part of himself, like he is less than anyone else, or have talks about not telling people parts of our lives. i don't want our family or friends to be a part of any secrets, that's not the kind of person i am. 

in exchange for building my son up, helping him grow strong physically and emotionally, i realize others will try to tear him down. i will not be surprised if we lose a friend here or there as we journey to bring wilson home. it will be sad, but not surprising. and that in itself is the saddest part of all, that i expect it. adoption changes people, this i know. your soul is stretched in ways you never imagined. i am a different person, a better person, having been through the life experiences brought to me through adoption. i have no doubt i will grow and my soul will stretch again. this time though, this time i feel a need to really build up our village. i want to surround myself with family and friends that will be unwavering in their support of our family and our journey. i need that.

so if you are ready for play dates, shared meals, late night talks, pouring out of heart and soul via email or in person, let me know, and i'll count you in.

Monday, April 29, 2013

why now?

i know it seems crazy to some people, downright nuts i'm sure. we're home with three girls and we are stepping up one more time to bring another child home. so why now really? why not wait until we are completely debt free? why not wait until we have saved up again for another journey? truthfully, i've asked myself all those questions. and were we simply interested in adopting again, i can tell you that we would wait. we would wait and pay off our previous adoptions. we would wait and save as much money as necessary, realizing this would also mean adding a buffer for unexpected expenses. but that's just it, we aren't simply interested in adopting again. we're interested in wilson, and he can't wait.

it really is that simple. can i look him in the eyes when we finally meet, and tell him i tried everything i could to get to him as fast as i could? that's important to me. it's very important. L told me just the other day how she was so mad at me when i had to leave after coming to spend time with her. she thought i wasn't coming back. she carried around the photo album i gave her and she hit my picture over and over because i didn't come back soon enough. from the day i said goodbye with tears in my eyes, determined not to cry, holding her and breathing in everything about her, leaving her with something special to hold until i returned, until the day she saw me again, it was 40 days. 40 days of pure torture and agony. for both of us. but when i saw her again, i told her how hard i worked to come back to her as soon as i could. and just the other day, when we talked about her hurt feelings, i told her my feelings were hurt too. i told her i cried every night i was in america and she was in uganda. i told her i did everything i could to get her home as fast as i could. and i meant every single word of it. 

how can i look wilson in the eyes and tell him i did everything i could to bring him home as fast as i could, if i wait until it's comfortable for us to adopt again? i can't. and i know that still won't make sense to some people. and that's ok too.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

on our way

we are on our way to our seventh child. when i read that it sounds a little crazy. i can't say i ever imagined myself with seven children to be honest with you. five, yes, that was always my plan, but seven? i never planned on that. oh how life can take us down different paths we never knew existed! so here we are... ready for seven.

right now there is a sweet little boy, 6 years old, who is waiting for a family. he's HIV+ and he needs a family. he needs to know he's special. he needs to get proper medication. he needs to be read stories and have his parents tuck him in at night. he needs to go adventuring with siblings who love to hike and play on the beach. he needs to know he has a special place in someone's heart. he doesn't know any of that yet, but one day he will.

this sweet boy has an alias, it's "wilson". we'll call him that on our blog to protect his identity. i'm not the most eloquent, nor graceful of writers, but i shall do my best to write about our journey to our sweet boy. it is my hope that our friends and family come with us for the journey, and that we gain some friends as well.