waiting waiting waiting

well dossier is off... i did take a few deep breaths before we mailed it. i did close my eyes and have a little trouble letting go of it when i handed it to daniel to mail it. please please please arrive safely and quickly! and now we wait and wait and wait until we hear that we have been officially submitted. though i know this is a much smaller wait than the next waiting period, it still feels big. we are hoping that all of our checks and double checks mean there are no last minute surprises in the way of changes or additional paperwork. i must have went over the checklist at least ten times and color coded each time with a different marker. we're ready for our son, and we will be so excited to hear those words "you have been submitted"! deep breaths and a wish for patience.

best.husband.ever.

who drives to salem multiple times same week so we can get our dossier off?! this guy:

things i’ve learned being a mother of six children

-- i can always survive on less money than i’m used to.

-- having a teenage driver in the house can save your life and improve your mood greatly.

-- i never get as many showers as i’d like, though i’d like to think i get as many as i need. i’m lying to you right now. i definitely don’t get as many as i need. if you know me in real life, you pr...obably know this to be true. if you love me, you hug me anyway. if you’re my husband, you lick my filthy foot just to prove me wrong and don’t think that wasn’t duly noted… indeed it was.

-- i’m fairly certain i’m getting my money’s worth on health insurance benefits.

-- forget closet space, i need some magic shoe storage solution for the overflowing abundance of shoes that pile up in front of the door, daring our guests to a climbing challenge before they even enter our humble abode.

-- spinach goes in everything.

-- come september i am birthdayed out. is that a word? yes it is, i just made it up. between baking, planning and celebrating, i am exhausted and cringe at the very idea of another birthday. i ponder what this means for my seventh child on the way, who has a november birthday, and i know without a doubt i’ll find room for one last celebration.

-- a 15 minute phone call to my best friend can solve 90% of my problems.

-- running keeps me sane.

-- it’s not the end of the world if my children's clothes don’t match. striped shirts and plaid shorts with polka dotted socks can be overlooked (though at first it may take some serious effort), but please i beg of you, do not give my children any clothes with characters on them as they will probably disappear.

-- online bill pay is my favorite invention of all time.

-- i can narrate a riveting story of an event from two weeks ago with intricate details, while being interrupted fourteen times, stopping to wipe a bottom twice, washing my hands four times, getting three different snacks for five different kids, wiping tears and cleaning up a scraped knee, counting to two because i never have to make it to three, and never skip a beat. i hope you can keep up.

--i know enough about minecraft, magic the gathering, d&d, naruto, and pbs programs to get by.

-- my desk is always messy, and it laughs as i try to find my lost keys for the third time each week. my sewing machine sits out unloved for over a week because i know the second i put it away i’ll just have to drag it out and finally finish those pants. half-finished books will eventually get done when they taunt me enough. and yes, i assign personalities to my projects until completed. don’t judge… it’s how i get it all done.

-- reading your favorite childhood books to your kids does something strange to your heart… i think it’s related to love.

-- using the same cup all day is a necessity.

-- kids never get tired of hearing you sing the same song every single night. and just when you think you might want to switch it up a bit, you discover you can sing on autopilot and before you know it you’ve made it through the entire song without realizing it. isn’t the brain an amazing thing?

-- it’s true… spray paint gives new life to all sorts of things!

-- bedtime is for suckers. and small kids.

working hard

working so hard to get everything completed and finished so i can breathe a little easier. this paperwork is significantly more difficult than the paperwork for our previous adoptions, and we don't want wilson to wait any longer than necessary. we are so close to having all of the paperwork done. we aren't close enough with funds for this adoption, but i cannot even think of that right now. i'm simply trying to get through all the paperwork first and then i will try to tackle a fundraiser idea.

“Time for some thrilling heroics."

daddy is the unsung hero in our house. he can turn a moonlit bike ride up and down our street into the most rousing adventure, complete with gold coins tumbling through pockets cut on the sly, war ammo rocketing every which way, and portals that open up out of nowhere, all for the sake of hatching dastardly plans with one little boy. he also reveals a pretty slick trick silencing the ever freaky, panic inducing bicycle bell with none other than the mysterious one glove that showed up on his handlebar sometime in the night with nary a trace of its rightful owner. in the midst of it all, i glide up and down the street smiling, thankful to be a part of this moment. i feel the most profound joy, stained with sadness, as i marvel at the magical connection between boys and fathers and long for another little boy to come home. 

i saw this the other day and laughed:  “The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for.” i laughed, but then i thought it’s probably true, and i will try to remember it. waiting is indeed so hard for me, the worst part by far. but the flip side to that must surely be the little boy who also waits… and sweet boy, you are definitely one of the best parts of my life.

still here...

i know, it's been too long. we are still here. we are still waiting for our little boy. we are still moving forward, though sometimes it seems like the paper chase is forever. we finally got our homestudy in the mail and USCIS confirmation of our file. hopefully our fingerprinting appointment won't be too far out. i'm getting excited. we are ready. for awhile i was worried about work, but things are lining up in such a way that no matter when we get approval to travel, whether it is september-ish or november-ish, it will all work out great. thankful for that small piece to be easy. hoping to get brother c's passport in the mail soon. i'm having dreams of exploring another country with both boys and it makes my heart happy.

if you've had a baby, or adopted before, you know that stage you get to where you want to start buying things for your child. he has a bed, and he has clothes in drawers. i've talked to our doctor and we've thought about all the appointments and things we will need to do when he gets home to get him feeling better and stable. we have plans and specialist contacts. but lately i'm starting to think about the things that always come last in my mind... after all the big things, the necessary things, the medical things. things like bicycles and books, trains and special blankets. things like his own little alligator boots, and cars to race around the floor. this little boy, he already has a big piece of my heart, and i can't wait to hold him in my arms. so i'm still here, but when i'm not busy with six kids in the middle of summertime fun, i'm probably lost in a daydream about a sweet little boy.

and so it goes

mother’s day came, it snuck up on me ever so sweetly, and it lingered long enough for me to cuddle my lovely children. i pondered my life and past mother’s days long gone. i spent moments loving the mothers and grandmothers i am forever linked with. i felt grateful and amazed at what my life has become. i felt sorrow for the losses we carry; some for ourselves, some for our family and some for our children. my thoughts drifted to wilson, wondering how he’s doing and wishing he was feeling the love of a mother every day of his life. and then just like that, it was gone. this mother’s day left and my heart remains full of paradoxical emotions; joy and sorrow, satisfaction and longing, love and heartache.

i discovered something new about myself this year, and that is this: my heart can hold it all. i no longer feel compelled to banish the hard stuff. life is full of hard stuff, and all of it has a place and a purpose. my desire to ignore, repel and send the difficult feelings into oblivion are deeply rooted in my childhood and the care i received from people who, while they were well intentioned, just didn’t know what they were doing. it really is as simple as that. i’m very mindful with the lessons i teach my own children, as well as any children that spend time with our family. this has always been important to me, and i’ve discovered the driving force behind it was created within myself, many many years ago… the heart knows what it’s missing. i take extra care with the hearts i hold close, and when you do that you have to have room for the hard stuff.

i knew the wait would be difficult for me, and indeed this has rung true again. the wait is incredibly hard once your heart has expanded to hold another child. i suspect it’s never easy to wait for a life to join yours, no matter how it happens. there is no fooling myself on this one, so i will just hold that in my heart, along with images of a little boy who is waiting too.

"Those are the same stars, and that is the same moon, that look down upon your brothers and sisters, and which they see as they look up to them, though they are ever so far away from us, and each other." - Sojourner Truth