why now?

i know it seems crazy to some people, downright nuts i'm sure. we're home with three girls and we are stepping up one more time to bring another child home. so why now really? why not wait until we are completely debt free? why not wait until we have saved up again for another journey? truthfully, i've asked myself all those questions. and were we simply interested in adopting again, i can tell you that we would wait. we would wait and pay off our previous adoptions. we would wait and save as much money as necessary, realizing this would also mean adding a buffer for unexpected expenses. but that's just it, we aren't simply interested in adopting again. we're interested in wilson, and he can't wait.

it really is that simple. can i look him in the eyes when we finally meet, and tell him i tried everything i could to get to him as fast as i could? that's important to me. it's very important. L told me just the other day how she was so mad at me when i had to leave after coming to spend time with her. she thought i wasn't coming back. she carried around the photo album i gave her and she hit my picture over and over because i didn't come back soon enough. from the day i said goodbye with tears in my eyes, determined not to cry, holding her and breathing in everything about her, leaving her with something special to hold until i returned, until the day she saw me again, it was 40 days. 40 days of pure torture and agony. for both of us. but when i saw her again, i told her how hard i worked to come back to her as soon as i could. and just the other day, when we talked about her hurt feelings, i told her my feelings were hurt too. i told her i cried every night i was in america and she was in uganda. i told her i did everything i could to get her home as fast as i could. and i meant every single word of it. 

how can i look wilson in the eyes and tell him i did everything i could to bring him home as fast as i could, if i wait until it's comfortable for us to adopt again? i can't. and i know that still won't make sense to some people. and that's ok too.