Tuesday, April 30, 2013

to tell, or not to tell, that is the question

i've thought a lot about having a child who is HIV+. i've thought about whether we would disclose or not. i think silence hurts. it might be easier, much easier in certain instances, but in the long run it hurts. it adds to the social stigma surrounding HIV+ status and i don't want to be a part of that. i'm not going to be shouting it from the rooftops, but i certainly don't want to make my son feel like he has to hide any part of himself, like he is less than anyone else, or have talks about not telling people parts of our lives. i don't want our family or friends to be a part of any secrets, that's not the kind of person i am. 

in exchange for building my son up, helping him grow strong physically and emotionally, i realize others will try to tear him down. i will not be surprised if we lose a friend here or there as we journey to bring wilson home. it will be sad, but not surprising. and that in itself is the saddest part of all, that i expect it. adoption changes people, this i know. your soul is stretched in ways you never imagined. i am a different person, a better person, having been through the life experiences brought to me through adoption. i have no doubt i will grow and my soul will stretch again. this time though, this time i feel a need to really build up our village. i want to surround myself with family and friends that will be unwavering in their support of our family and our journey. i need that.

so if you are ready for play dates, shared meals, late night talks, pouring out of heart and soul via email or in person, let me know, and i'll count you in.

Monday, April 29, 2013

why now?

i know it seems crazy to some people, downright nuts i'm sure. we're home with three girls and we are stepping up one more time to bring another child home. so why now really? why not wait until we are completely debt free? why not wait until we have saved up again for another journey? truthfully, i've asked myself all those questions. and were we simply interested in adopting again, i can tell you that we would wait. we would wait and pay off our previous adoptions. we would wait and save as much money as necessary, realizing this would also mean adding a buffer for unexpected expenses. but that's just it, we aren't simply interested in adopting again. we're interested in wilson, and he can't wait.

it really is that simple. can i look him in the eyes when we finally meet, and tell him i tried everything i could to get to him as fast as i could? that's important to me. it's very important. L told me just the other day how she was so mad at me when i had to leave after coming to spend time with her. she thought i wasn't coming back. she carried around the photo album i gave her and she hit my picture over and over because i didn't come back soon enough. from the day i said goodbye with tears in my eyes, determined not to cry, holding her and breathing in everything about her, leaving her with something special to hold until i returned, until the day she saw me again, it was 40 days. 40 days of pure torture and agony. for both of us. but when i saw her again, i told her how hard i worked to come back to her as soon as i could. and just the other day, when we talked about her hurt feelings, i told her my feelings were hurt too. i told her i cried every night i was in america and she was in uganda. i told her i did everything i could to get her home as fast as i could. and i meant every single word of it. 

how can i look wilson in the eyes and tell him i did everything i could to bring him home as fast as i could, if i wait until it's comfortable for us to adopt again? i can't. and i know that still won't make sense to some people. and that's ok too.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

on our way

we are on our way to our seventh child. when i read that it sounds a little crazy. i can't say i ever imagined myself with seven children to be honest with you. five, yes, that was always my plan, but seven? i never planned on that. oh how life can take us down different paths we never knew existed! so here we are... ready for seven.

right now there is a sweet little boy, 6 years old, who is waiting for a family. he's HIV+ and he needs a family. he needs to know he's special. he needs to get proper medication. he needs to be read stories and have his parents tuck him in at night. he needs to go adventuring with siblings who love to hike and play on the beach. he needs to know he has a special place in someone's heart. he doesn't know any of that yet, but one day he will.

this sweet boy has an alias, it's "wilson". we'll call him that on our blog to protect his identity. i'm not the most eloquent, nor graceful of writers, but i shall do my best to write about our journey to our sweet boy. it is my hope that our friends and family come with us for the journey, and that we gain some friends as well.